The Weight of Showing Up

In Two Birds, One Road, I wrote about the quiet importance of simply being there—about how showing up can matter more than any polished speech or perfect gesture. Lately, that truth has pressed heavier against my chest.

It started with something I saw on television. An airman, just graduated from basic training, stood alone in formation. Families swarmed around others—hugs, laughter, the chaotic joy of reunion. But he stayed rooted in place, scanning the crowd for a face that never appeared. Until a stranger, seeing what should not have been, stepped forward to tap him out. It was an act of kindness, yes, but one born of a glaring absence.

I know that absence too well.

When I graduated from high school early, I went straight into the military. On the day of my departure, I sat in an empty house waiting for my recruiter to pick me up. No one hugged me goodbye. No one told me they were proud. I carried my own bags to the bus station, the silence trailing me like a shadow. That kind of loneliness doesn’t leave quickly—it carves out a space in you.

It’s part of why I try so hard to show up now. To be the kind of presence I once needed. But showing up isn’t always easy for me. Crowds set my nerves on edge. The press of bodies, the overlapping voices, the restless energy—they fray something in me. My instincts tell me to avoid it, to stay in the quiet where I can breathe. And yet, when someone I care about has a moment worth witnessing, I make myself go.

Sometimes that means gripping the steering wheel tighter than I should, rehearsing what I’ll say when I walk in. It means steadying my breath as I step into a room where the noise swells and my pulse quickens. It means feeling my throat tighten but staying anyway—standing in that space because my discomfort is not more important than their moment.

I’ve driven to ceremonies, funerals, celebrations—times when joy or grief filled the air so thick it felt almost physical. I’ve stood in crowds with my heart racing, willing my hands not to shake, because I refuse to let the people I care for stand alone.

Showing up doesn’t erase the mornings I sat by myself, waiting for someone who never came. But it’s how I keep that emptiness from spilling into someone else’s story. It’s how I say: You matter. I am here. 

Because I know, better than most, that sometimes the greatest gift you can give is your presence—uncomfortable, nervous, imperfect, but real.

By Kyle J. Hayes

kylehayesblog.com

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