Category: Reflections

  • I Wonder How

    I Wonder How

    The snow fell in slow spirals outside the dimly lit bar, where three men sat around the same scarred oak table they had claimed for nearly a decade.

    Every Christmas Eve, without fail, they gathered—not for family, not for faith, but for the impossible question that kept them human.

    “How does he do it?” the artist said, brushing paint flecks from his fingers as if they were stardust. “How does one being deliver joy to billions in one night?”

    The engineer chuckled, swirling the ice in his glass. “You mean how he could do it. There’s a difference between wonder and logistics.”

    The physicist adjusted his glasses, his eyes reflecting the amber light of the bar’s tiny bulbs. “Or perhaps you mean: how could we ever understand it?”

    They clinked glasses.

    Tradition began.

    The Artist’s Theory: The Magic of Belief

    The artist leaned forward, voice low and fervent.

    “You’re both missing the point. Santa doesn’t deliver gifts because of physics or mechanics—he delivers because he exists where belief still lives. Each child who imagines him gives him form, and that collective imagination becomes his sleigh, his speed, his magic.”

    The engineer rolled his eyes. “So you’re saying it’s powered by… dreams?”

    “Not dreams—faith,” the artist replied. “Not in a man, but in what he represents. Every painted card, every glowing ornament, every whispered wish is an act of creation. The laws of art and emotion are stronger than any law of thermodynamics.”

    The physicist tilted his head, intrigued despite himself.

    “You’re saying belief collapses probability into existence—like a kind of human-driven wave function.”

    The artist smiled. “Exactly. Magic isn’t the opposite of science. It’s the poetry of it.”

    For a moment, all three sat silent, letting that notion settle like dust on candlelight—the idea that wonder itself could move matter.

    The Engineer’s Theory: The Machinery of Miracles

    The engineer cracked his knuckles and set his glass down.

    “Alright, my turn. No offense to your ‘poetry,’ but the only way to deliver that many packages is through an automated system on an impossible scale.”

    He began sketching on a napkin—tiny sleighs branching from one great mothership like snowflakes from a storm cloud.

    “Imagine a global delivery network built centuries ahead of its time. Millions of drones, each guided by data—weather patterns, children’s locations, behavioral algorithms. The sleigh’s just a symbol. The real Santa is an entire system of precision.”

    The artist frowned. “That sounds cold. Heartless.”

    “Not heartless,” the engineer said softly. “Efficient. The greatest gift humanity ever built wasn’t the sleigh—it was coordination. Santa isn’t one man. He’s the sum of our capacity to create order out of chaos.”

    The physicist smiled faintly. “A machine of goodwill.”

    “Exactly,” the engineer said. “A machine that runs not on gears or wires—but on intention. Every parent who wraps a present, every neighbor who donates a coat, they’re all nodes in the network. Each act of kindness becomes an operation in a vast machine that never stops working.”

    For a moment, even the artist nodded.

    There was something beautiful in the practicality of it—the poetry of precision.

    The Physicist’s Theory: The Paradox of Time

    When it was his turn, the physicist spoke with the quiet certainty of someone who had seen equations that could unmake worlds.

    “You’re both right,” he said. “But you’re both limited by the assumption that time moves forward.”

    He drew three lines on his coaster.

    “One moment, he’s in New York. Next, Tokyo. But what if time isn’t linear for him? What if his sleigh doesn’t move through time, but across it—like a needle weaving through a tapestry?”

    The engineer raised an eyebrow. “A temporal loop?”

    “Exactly,” said the physicist. “He delivers gifts in a single eternal instant—a quantum superposition of giving. To us, it appears as one night. To him, it’s… forever.”

    The artist whispered, “That’s lonely.”

    The physicist nodded, staring into his untouched drink.

    “Perhaps. To bring joy to every child, he must live in the stretch between seconds, never aging, never resting. An immortal bound by kindness—not by choice, but by consequence.”

    They sat with that thought.

    The bar’s jazz faded into silence.

    Snow pressed against the windows like quiet applause.

    The Farewell

    Eventually, the clock struck midnight. The bartender flipped the Closed sign, and the three men stood.

    Outside, the world glowed soft and white.

    The artist pulled his coat close. “You think he’s out there now?”

    The engineer shrugged. “If he is, he’s right on schedule.”

    The physicist smiled faintly. “Or maybe he’s always been.”

    They stood together for a heartbeat longer—three fragments of human thought, bound by ritual, mystery, and the stubborn need to believe.

    The artist extended his hand. “Same time next year?”

    The engineer clasped it. “Same bar.”

    The physicist joined them, a slight grin forming.

    “Same question.”

    They parted in three directions—into the falling snow, into the hum of unseen machinery, into the quiet folds of time—each carrying a piece of wonder they couldn’t prove, yet refused to let die.

    And somewhere, in that eternal instant between belief and logic, a sleigh bell rang once—clear and bright.

    Merry Christmas

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

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    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • Don’t Answer Too Fast

    Don’t Answer Too Fast

    This reflection was written in response to the passing of Lamar Wilson.

    When a man dies, the world rushes to explain him.

    We build stories quickly—causes, warnings, neat conclusions—because uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. But the truth is simpler and harder to sit with: the only person who can fully name the reasons someone leaves this life is the person who left it. Everyone else is guessing in the dark.

    Still, the darkness teaches us things if we’re willing to look.

    There is a place where it’s just you.

    No audience.

    No applause.

    No performance.

    Just you, alone with your thoughts, listening to them pace the room.

    That place is where the real battle lives.

    Some people look like they have everything. Visibility. Momentum. Laughter. A life that seems full from the outside. But sometimes, all of that is scaffolding for a private war. Sometimes success isn’t peace—it’s camouflage.

    Especially for Black men.

    We are taught early how dangerous honesty can be. How pain is read as weakness. How softness is punished. How exhaustion is moral failure. The world prefers us sharp or silent—never tender, never unsure.

    So we learn to armor ourselves. We learn how to smile through weight. How to carry pressure without complaint. How to translate suffering into something palatable.

    And then we pass that lesson to each other.

    “You good?”

    It’s a small question, almost polite. A check-in that lasts no longer than a breath. We ask it in passing—at work, in hallways, in group chats, at cookouts. And the answer is almost always the same.

    “I’m good.”

    Sometimes it’s true.

    Often it’s not.

    “I’m good” keeps things moving. It protects the room. It spares everyone the discomfort of slowing down. It’s the answer you give when you don’t know how much space your truth would be allowed to take.

    Because telling the truth can feel dangerous.

    There is a particular loneliness in being surrounded by people who know your face but not your fight in being visible and unseen at the same time. In realizing that the strength as it’s been taught to you requires a kind of daily self-erasure.

    This is the quiet violence no one names.

    Not sirens.

    Not headlines.

    Just the steady pressure of swallowing yourself because the world has never been kind to men who admit they are drowning.

    And so the battle stays private. Fought every day. From the moment you wake up to the moment sleep finally loosens its grip. A war without witnesses. A war without language.

    What if we stopped answering too fast?

    What if, instead of reflex, we allowed the question to linger long enough for honesty to find its footing?

    “No. I’m not good.”

    That sentence is not weak. It is a risk.

    It is opening a door without knowing who will stay. It is admitting you are human in a world that has asked you to be indestructible. It is naming pain without packaging it as motivation, humor, or grit.

    And it is a beginning.

    Not a solution.

    Not a cure.

    A beginning.

    Because once the truth is spoken, the battle is no longer invisible. It becomes something that can be shared, witnessed, and held. And being witnessed—truly witnessed—is not nothing. It is not a platitude. It is a form of care.

    We won’t save everyone by asking better questions. We won’t fix despair with the right words. This isn’t about heroics.

    It’s about presence.

    So we could change the ritual. Maybe we should

    “How are you really holding up?”

    And then we stay quiet long enough for the answer to breathe.

    No fixing.

    No rushing.

    No telling someone how strong they are.

    Just staying.

    If you’re reading this and you have been answering too fast—if you have been saying “I’m good” when you’re not—please hear this clearly:

    You do not have to fight the entire war alone.

    Say it once.

    To one person.

    To someone safe.

    “No. I’m not good.”

    That sentence will not solve everything. But it can keep you here long enough for something else to begin.

    And if someone says it to you—if a brother finally lets the truth slip—don’t reach for wisdom. Don’t reach for advice.

    Reach for presence.

    “I’m here.”

    “I’m listening.”

    “You don’t have to carry this by yourself.”

    We don’t need perfect answers.

    We need rooms where the truth can survive being spoken.

    The battle is real.

    And it is daily.

    But it should not be silent.

    And it should not be solitary.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

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    Resources

    If this reflection brings up more than you expected, and you’re in the U.S., you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re elsewhere, local crisis resources are available in many countries. You don’t have to hold everything alone.