Tag: personal growth

  • Things That Shape Us

    Things That Shape Us

    I have often wondered whether we become who we are because of something already inside us, or because of everything life places in our path.

    The older I get, the more I believe our experiences shape us.

    Before we learn to trust, someone has to give us a reason to.

    Before we become cautious, someone usually gives us one of those too.

    Every conversation, every disappointment, every unexpected kindness leaves something behind. We carry those moments longer than we realize. They become the lens through which we see the world, often without our permission.

    Our experiences influence who we trust. They affect how we speak to strangers, how quickly we forgive, and how willing we are to believe in people we have just met. They determine the places that feel like home and the ones we never want to return to. They shape what makes us feel safe, what makes us nervous, and what makes us hopeful.

    Even the smallest moments matter.

    A teacher who believed in us when no one else did.

    A friend who stayed.

    A parent who listened.

    A stranger who offered kindness on a day we desperately needed it.

    Just as those moments shape us for the better, so do the painful ones. Betrayal teaches caution. Loss teaches gratitude. Failure teaches resilience. Heartbreak can teach compassion, because once you’ve carried that kind of weight, you begin to recognize it in someone else.

    That doesn’t mean we are trapped by our experiences.

    I believe we always have a choice.

    We can decide that someone else’s bitterness will not become our own. We can choose to offer patience in response to impatience. We can become the kindness we wished someone had shown us years ago.

    Maybe that is where character is truly found.

    Not in pretending our experiences never happened, but in deciding what we will do with them.

    Because every experience leaves its fingerprint on us.

    Some become scars.

    Some become wisdom.

    And if we’re fortunate, the hardest moments don’t simply change who we are.

    They help us become someone worth becoming.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • The Places We Choose to Live

    The Places We Choose to Live

    Over the past year, I have found myself changing more than my routines.

    I have been changing my environment.

    Not simply the places I spend my time, but the conversations I allow myself to remain in. The voices I listen to. The people I keep close enough to influence the way I see the world.

    What surprised me most was not the change itself.

    It was how uncomfortable certain environments suddenly became.

    Conversations I once tolerated now leave me exhausted. Gatherings that once felt ordinary now feel strangely heavy. I find myself noticing how easily some people can take something beautiful and immediately begin searching for what is wrong with it.

    There is an old saying about finding fault in a rose.

    Most of us know people who could walk through a garden and speak only of the thorns.

    They witness kindness and wonder what someone wants in return.

    They hear good news and begin predicting how it will end.

    They receive a blessing and instinctively search for the hidden cost.

    For a long time I wondered why.

    The older I become, the less interested I am in judging those people.

    Life has a way of teaching difficult lessons.

    Pain can narrow our vision.

    Disappointment can convince us that hope is dangerous.

    Betrayal can make suspicion feel wiser than trust.

    Many people are carrying wounds the rest of us will never fully understand.

    Remembering that has made me more compassionate.

    But it has also taught me something equally important.

    Compassion does not require residency.

    You can understand someone’s pain without moving into it.

    You can love someone without adopting their way of seeing the world.

    You can care deeply for another person while quietly protecting the peace you have worked so hard to cultivate.

    That has become one of adulthood’s quiet responsibilities.

    Not every invitation deserves acceptance.

    Not every conversation deserves your attention.

    Not every headline deserves your emotion.

    Not every opinion deserves a room inside your mind.

    We spend so much time protecting our homes from damage.

    We lock our doors.

    We replace broken windows.

    We tend our yards.

    Yet many of us leave the front door of our souls standing wide open, allowing resentment, outrage, cynicism, and fear to wander in whenever they please.

    Eventually, whatever is allowed to stay begins rearranging the furniture.

    These days I find myself less interested in what is popular and more interested in what is nourishing.

    Less interested in what demands my attention and more interested in what deserves it.

    I’m not sure what to call this change.

    Maybe it is wisdom.

    Maybe it is simply growing older.

    Or maybe it is finally understanding that peace is rarely something we find.

    More often, it is something we protect.

    I’ve noticed that when I become careful about what enters my mind, everything else begins to change.

    My thoughts become gentler.

    My patience grows longer.

    Gratitude arrives more often than complaint.

    Even in a world that still contains cruelty, injustice, and heartbreak, I begin noticing small mercies I once hurried past.

    The darkness has not disappeared.

    I simply refuse to make my home inside it.

    Perhaps that is what tending the soul has always meant.

    Not pretending evil does not exist.

    Not closing our eyes to suffering.

    But choosing, again and again, to give more of ourselves to what is true than to what is loud, more to what is beautiful than to what is broken, more to what nourishes than to what merely consumes.

    Because a soul is not unlike a garden.

    It does not become what we admire.

    It becomes what we cultivate.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • Are You a Lifelong Learner?

    Are You a Lifelong Learner?

    The answer is yes.

    An easy yes.

    I have been learning my entire life, although I am not entirely sure what the question means by “learning.”

    Does it mean school?

    Books?

    Experience?

    Mistakes?

    Because if mistakes count, I may be one of the most educated people alive.

    As a boy, I loved books.

    I was always reading something. Anything I could get my hands on.

    Most of it was science fiction and fantasy, which meant I knew a great deal about dragons, distant planets, magical weapons, alien civilizations, and saving the universe.

    This knowledge has been surprisingly useless during tax season.

    Still, I was learning.

    Books taught me that there were worlds beyond the one I could see. They introduced me to strange places, impossible creatures, difficult choices, and people who were usually expected to save everyone despite having almost no adult supervision.

    At the time, I did not think of reading as education.

    I thought I was escaping.

    But sometimes escaping into a book is how we return to the world with a better understanding of it.

    Stories taught me about courage.

    Friendship.

    Power.

    Fear.

    Sacrifice.

    They also taught me that accepting mysterious jewelry from strangers is usually a bad idea.

    Then came my teenage years, when much of my education moved from books to horror movies.

    I watched far too many of them.

    Still, they taught me several practical lessons.

    If you are camping and someone suddenly goes missing, leave.

    If you hear strange noises in the woods, leave faster.

    Do not investigate.

    Do not split up.

    Do not say, “I’ll be right back.”

    And under no circumstances should you stop in the nearby town to explain what happened.

    The townspeople already know.

    They have always known.

    They will stare at you silently from the diner while someone behind the counter slowly wipes the same glass.

    Just get in your car and go.

    If the car will not start, then unfortunately, the movie has already decided your future.

    The most important thing I learned, however, was that the more you know, the more you realize how much you do not know.

    This was unfortunate news for me.

    I had a rather inflated opinion of myself when I was younger.

    I was confident.

    Very confident.

    The kind of confident that can only exist when a person has not yet encountered enough information to become confused.

    I thought I knew almost everything.

    Not because I had learned everything, of course.

    I simply had not yet discovered how much everything included.

    Then I kept reading.

    I kept watching.

    I kept listening.

    I kept living.

    And slowly, the world became larger.

    Every answer introduced another question.

    Every subject revealed ten more subjects I had never considered.

    Every person knew something I did not.

    This was humbling.

    Annoying, but humbling.

    I look back at that cocky boy now and laugh.

    Not because he was foolish.

    At least not entirely.

    He was simply standing at the edge of a very large ocean, holding a cup of water, convinced he had discovered the sea.

    There is something beautiful about that kind of confidence.

    There is also something dangerous about it.

    The older I become, the more I understand that learning is not about reaching a place where no one can correct you.

    It is about listening to people whose experiences are different from your own.

    It is changing your mind when new information gives you a good reason to do so.

    That last one can be difficult.

    People become attached to their opinions.

    Sometimes we carry an opinion for so long that it begins to feel like a family member.

    Not necessarily a family member we like.

    But one we feel obligated to defend at gatherings.

    Lifelong learning requires us to let some of those old opinions go.

    It requires curiosity.

    Humility.

    And the willingness to accept that the younger version of ourselves occasionally had no idea what he was talking about.

    I still love books.

    I still love discovering something new.

    I still enjoy the feeling of reading a sentence that makes me stop and reconsider something I thought I understood.

    But I no longer think learning is a journey toward knowing everything.

    That sounds exhausting.

    Learning is simply remaining teachable.

    It is keeping the windows open.

    It is allowing new ideas to enter, while occasionally asking the old ones to gather their things and leave.

    The older I get, the less interested I am in being the smartest person in the room.

    Mostly because the smartest person in the room usually knows enough not to announce it.

    I would rather stay curious.

    I would rather keep reading.

    I would rather keep learning.

    And somewhere inside me, that boy is still holding a science-fiction book, ready to travel to another world.

    The teenager is probably still watching a horror movie and yelling at the screen, “Do not go into the woods.”

    They are both still confident.

    Still curious.

    Still slightly convinced they can save the universe.

    The difference is that now they understand two important things:

    Read the instructions first.

    And if the woods start making strange noises, leave.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • What Are We Rehearsing?

    What Are We Rehearsing?

    Sometimes another person’s question stays with you longer than their answer.

    This week, I found myself thinking about a conversation sparked by singer India Arie. She wondered aloud what it means when the songs we celebrate become the stories we live by. She was not asking for censorship. She was not asking anyone to stop making music. She was asking whether what we repeatedly consume eventually begins to shape us.

    That question has followed me around.

    Maybe I’m seeing too much.

    Or maybe I’m finally paying attention.

    I have been thinking about repetition.

    Not just in music, but in every part of life.

    A basketball player takes thousands of jump shots until the movement becomes instinct.

    A pianist practices scales until the fingers no longer ask permission from the mind.

    A grandmother makes cornbread so many times that measuring cups become unnecessary.

    We call it practice.

    We call it discipline.

    We call it muscle memory.

    We already understand that repetition changes the body.

    So why do we become uncomfortable when someone asks whether repetition might also shape the heart?

    Long before neuroscience gave us language like neural pathways and habit formation, people understood that words carried power. Communities repeated prayers because they believed repetition strengthened faith. Parents repeated lessons because they hoped they would become character. Freedom songs were sung over and over because they reminded weary people that they were more than the conditions surrounding them.

    Some people called those rituals sacred.

    Others believed repeated words could become something darker.

    They believed that speaking certain things over and over invited them into your life.

    Whether we call it ritual, conditioning, or simply human psychology, perhaps they were all reaching toward the same truth.

    What we practice eventually begins to feel natural.

    That thought has stayed with me as I watch our culture.

    Not just Black culture.

    All culture.

    We live in an age where algorithms have become our DJs.

    They decide what rises.

    They decide what repeats.

    They decide what millions of people hear before breakfast.

    I am not interested in arguing that music alone determines the future of a community.

    It doesn’t.

    No song can explain generations of segregation, economic inequality, underfunded schools, broken public policy, or the many burdens that Foundational Black Americans have carried across centuries. To pretend otherwise would ignore history.

    But I also refuse to believe music is powerless.

    If songs had no influence, companies would not spend millions of dollars making sure certain ones reach our ears.

    Advertising exists because repetition works.

    Political campaigns exist because repetition works.

    Religious liturgy exists because repetition works.

    Education itself depends on repetition.

    Why would we imagine music is somehow exempt?

    This is not about blaming any one artist.

    Every generation has created music that unsettled the one before it.

    Hip-hop, like jazz before it, has given voice to neighborhoods that were often ignored. It has documented struggle, celebrated creativity, challenged power, and preserved stories that might otherwise have disappeared.

    Some of the greatest poetry I have ever heard arrived wrapped in a beat.

    That deserves respect.

    But every art form also contains choices.

    Some songs call us toward dignity.

    Others celebrate revenge.

    Some remind us that love requires sacrifice.

    Others convince us that commitment is weakness.

    Some tell young people they are worth more than what the world has offered them.

    Others invite them to build an identity around excess, exploitation, or self-destruction.

    Those differences matter.

    What troubles me even more is not that those songs exist.

    Art has always reflected both light and shadow.

    What troubles me is what gets amplified.

    There are artists creating music about healing.

    About fatherhood.

    About faith.

    About perseverance.

    About accountability.

    About joy that does not require someone else’s humiliation.

    They exist.

    Yet they rarely seem to receive the same machinery behind them.

    That should make us curious.

    Not angry.

    Curious.

    Why do stories that flatter our impulses often travel farther than stories that challenge us to grow?

    Why does outrage outperform wisdom?

    Why is self-control so difficult to market while excess is endlessly profitable?

    Those are questions worth asking.

    Especially for those of us who are descendants of people who once sang their way through unimaginable suffering.

    Our ancestors understood something about repetition.

    They sang hope until hope became endurance.

    They repeated Scripture until it became courage.

    They gathered around kitchen tables and church pews, telling the same family stories until children understood they belonged to something larger than themselves.

    Those songs did not erase injustice.

    But they strengthened people enough to survive it.

    I wonder what songs we are teaching ourselves now.

    Not because I believe every lyric becomes destiny.

    But because I know that what surrounds us eventually begins to sound like home.

    And what sounds like home eventually becomes normal.

    The most dangerous ideas are rarely the loudest.

    They become dangerous because they stop sounding unusual.

    They become ordinary.

    That is how repetition works.

    It does not always convince.

    Sometimes it simply familiarizes.

    And familiarity is powerful.

    I think about food often.

    Anyone who has spent time reading Salt, Ink & Soul knows that.

    A single meal will not make you healthy.

    Neither will a single meal make you sick.

    But years of eating eventually shape the body you live in.

    Perhaps the soul works the same way.

    Perhaps one song changes very little.

    But thousands of repetitions…

    Thousands of rehearsals…

    Thousands of small invitations toward the same vision of success, love, relationships, wealth, and identity…

    Perhaps those leave fingerprints we cannot always see.

    This is not a call to fear music.

    It is not a call to silence artists.

    It is certainly not a call to stop creating.

    It is a call to become more intentional listeners.

    To ask ourselves a simple question before we press play.

    What am I rehearsing?

    Because every day we are practicing something.

    Compassion or contempt.

    Discipline or indulgence.

    Hope or cynicism.

    Dignity or degradation.

    None of us escapes rehearsal.

    The only choice we have is deciding what kind of life we want to become fluent in.

    Maybe I’m seeing too much.

    Or maybe I have simply reached an age where I understand that nothing enters the soul without leaving something behind.

    If that is true, then perhaps one of the quietest acts of freedom is choosing carefully what we allow to echo there.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • Becoming Careful About What Enters the Soul

    Becoming Careful About What Enters the Soul

    Years ago, for reasons I could not fully explain, I found myself moving in the opposite direction of everyone around me.

    People were talking about The Sopranos. They loved it.

    I tried.

    More than once.

    I could appreciate the acting. I could see the craftsmanship. I understood why people were drawn to it.

    But I never enjoyed it.

    Then came The Wire.

    Again, I tried.

    Everyone said it was brilliant. Everyone said it was important. Everyone said I simply needed to give it another chance.

    I did.

    Several times.

    Yet something in me remained unmoved.

    Then came Breaking Bad.

    The same story.

    The same recommendations.

    The same praise.

    And the same feeling that this was not for me.

    At the time, I thought perhaps I was missing something.

    Maybe I was.

    But as the years passed, I began to realize I was not rejecting great storytelling.

    I was becoming sensitive to what those stories required me to sit with,

    so many of them invited me to spend hours living inside darkness.

    Crime, violence, manipulation, corruption, and Greed.

    The slow collapse of the human spirit.

    The older I became, the less interested I was in making those places my home, even temporarily.

    What surprised me most was that the change did not stop there.

    Movies I once enjoyed began losing their appeal.

    Military films.

    Action movies.

    Stories built around guns, revenge, and destruction.

    Eventually I found myself turning away from anything that seemed determined to convince me that darkness was depth.

    Then I began noticing something else.

    Many stories no longer seemed interested in heroes.

    Even stories that claimed to be about heroes often spent most of their time glorifying villains.

    The villain was smarter.

    The villain was more interesting.

    The villain got the best lines.

    The villain became the person audiences secretly admired.

    Goodness became boring.

    Decency became weakness.

    Kindness became naïveté.

    And somewhere along the way, I realized I was growing tired.

    Not physically.

    Spiritually.

    I began asking myself a simple question.

    What am I feeding my mind?

    We understand this concept when it comes to food.

    No one is surprised when a person feels different after changing their diet.

    Yet we often act as though the soul can consume endless negativity without consequence.

    Hour after hour.

    Day after day.

    Year after year.

    Violence.

    Conflict.

    Anger.

    Fear.

    Contempt.

    Cynicism.

    Then we wonder why peace feels so difficult to find.

    So I started making changes.

    Not dramatic changes.

    Just intentional ones.

    I became more selective about what I watched.

    More selective about what I listened to.

    More selective about the conversations I participated in.

    I began paying attention to the words I spoke.

    I tried to spend less time discussing people and more time understanding them.

    Less time dwelling on problems and more time looking for solutions.

    Less time feeding outrage and more time feeding gratitude.

    Something changed.

    Not overnight.

    But slowly.

    Quietly.

    The way sunrise arrives.

    You do not notice it all at once.

    Then suddenly the darkness is no longer where it was.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • Is a Little Chaos Actually Good for Us?

    Is a Little Chaos Actually Good for Us?

    I think a little chaos can be good for us.

    Not the kind that destroys everything and leaves people wounded trying to gather pieces of themselves from the floor.

    But the kind that interrupts comfort.

    The kind that knocks on the door and says, Are you sure this is the best you can do?

    I am someone who likes consistency; it’s comfortable

    I like knowing what works.

    I understand the old saying, “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.”

    There is wisdom in that. Not everything needs to be touched. Not everything needs to be changed just for the sake of change. Some things are steady because they have earned the right to be steady.

    But sometimes something can work and still not be as good as it could be.

    Sometimes something can be fine and still be slow and inefficient.

    and still holding us back in ways we do not notice, because we have grown comfortable with its shape.

    That is where chaos has its place.

    Chaos reveals things.

    Problems reveal things.

    A disruption can show us where the weak spots are. It can show us what we have been avoiding, what we have outgrown, what we have been calling peace when it was really just familiarity.

    I do not always like that in the moment.

    Most growth does not feel like growth while it is happening.

    Sometimes it feels like frustration.

    Sometimes it feels like an inconvenience.

    Sometimes it feels like being forced to learn something you would not have chosen to learn on your own.

    But afterward, when the dust settles, you can look back and realize the chaos did not come only to disturb you.

    Sometimes it came to sharpen you.

    Sometimes it came to make you more honest.

    Sometimes it came to show you that the way you had always done something was not the only way.

    And maybe not even the best way.

    There is a kind of growth that only comes when life refuses to let us stay too comfortable.

    A little chaos can make us pay attention.

    It can make us adjust.

    It can make us build better systems, ask better questions, and stop confusing survival with success.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • What’s the Best Way to Deal with Negative Thoughts?

    What’s the Best Way to Deal with Negative Thoughts?

    The best way to deal with negative thoughts is not to pretend they are not there.

    I know that because I have tried.

    I have tried to push them down.

    Tried to laugh them off.

    I tried to tell myself I was fine when I knew I wasn’t 

    It worked for a while.

    Until it didn’t.

    It could be anything: a word, a look, clutter, anything 

    A moment that should not have mattered as much as it did.

    And suddenly all those buried thoughts, all that hurt, all that anger, all that disappointment came rushing out at once. Sometimes toward someone who did not deserve to receive what I had refused to deal with.

    That is the danger of burying things.

    They do not stay buried.

    Negative thoughts are not always the enemy. Sometimes they are messengers. Sometimes they are telling us there is something we have not faced, something we have not grieved, something we have not forgiven, something we have been carrying too long without admitting how heavy it has become.

    The first step is to deal with them.

    Not while you are in the middle of the fire.

    Not while your emotions are loud and your judgment is clouded.

    But when you can sit with yourself honestly.

    When you can ask, Why did that hurt me? Why did that thought come back? What am I afraid of? What am I still holding onto?

    There is strength in being able to sit alone with your thoughts.

    But there is also wisdom in knowing when not to sit with them alone forever.

    There is nothing wrong with talking to someone.

    For me, it took A counselor.

    Someone safe enough to hear you without making you feel small.

    I know sometimes that sounds like a lot. Especially when you are used to keeping things to yourself. Especially when silence has become a kind of armor. But silence can also become a prison if we never let anything out.

    Negative thoughts are like poison when they stay trapped inside you.

    They change you

    They make love feel suspicious.

    They make peace feel temporary.

    So the best way I know to deal with negative thoughts is to stop pretending they are harmless just because no one else can see them.

    Name them.

    Sit with them.

    Let the emotion pass long enough for you to think clearly.

    Then deal with what is underneath.

    And when it becomes too heavy, talk to someone.

    That is not a weakness.

    That is maintenance of the soul.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • What Do You Love Now That You Hated When You Were Younger?

    What Do You Love Now That You Hated When You Were Younger?

    Myself.

    That answer took me a long time to arrive at.

    I would not say I hated myself when I was younger. Hate is too strong a word. But I spent a great deal of my youth wishing I were someone else.

    Even at a young age, I knew I was different.

    Sports were fine, but I was never as good as my older brother. Music was enjoyable, but I could not play an instrument or sing like my other siblings. Everywhere I looked, someone seemed to have a gift that was easier to see than mine.

    My gift was quieter.

    I was smart. I liked books.

    That may not sound like much now, but when you are young, fitting in can feel more important than understanding who you are. I spent years measuring myself against other people and coming up short because I was using the wrong ruler.

    I wanted to be an athlete. The musician. The person everyone noticed when they walked into a room.

    Instead, I was the kid who disappeared into a book.

    What I did not understand then was that the things that made me different were also the things that would shape my life. The hours spent reading taught me how to think. They taught me curiosity. They taught me empathy. They taught me how to sit with an idea long enough to understand it.

    Most importantly, they taught me how to find my own voice.

    Age has a way of settling old arguments. The things we once viewed as flaws often turn out to be foundations.

    Today, I no longer wish I were someone else.

    I am grateful for the quiet kid who loved books. Grateful for the young man who kept reading even when it was not popular. Grateful for the person who eventually learned that fitting in is overrated and that becoming yourself is the greater achievement.

    What do I love now that I disliked when I was younger?

    The answer is simple.

    I love being me.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • Who Are You Most Inspired By?

    Who Are You Most Inspired By?

    The person who inspires me most is Fred Rogers.

    Not because he was famous.

    Not because generations of children grew up watching him.

    And not because he seemed to have all the answers.

    He inspires me because he knew exactly who he was and never seemed interested in becoming someone else.

    In a world that often rewards loud voices, he spoke softly.

    In a world that celebrates outrage, he chose kindness.

    In a culture that often mistakes cynicism for wisdom, he believed people were worth caring about.

    What strikes me most is that he did what he truly loved. He found a way to use his gifts in the service of others and then spent decades doing exactly that. He did not seem to chase trends, popularity, or approval. He held fast to his convictions, whether the crowd agreed or not.

    That kind of consistency is rare.

    Many of us spend years trying to figure out who we are. Others know who they are but are afraid to live it. The pressure to fit in, to be accepted, or to be successful on someone else’s terms can be overwhelming.

    Yet he seemed content to walk a different path.

    A path built on the belief that every person has value.

    As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to admire that more than talent, wealth, or fame. The people who leave the deepest mark on the world are often the ones who make others feel seen. They remind us that kindness is not weakness, that compassion requires courage, and that treating people with dignity is a worthy life’s work.

    When I think about the kind of person I hope to become, I don’t think about being the smartest person in the room or the most successful.

    I think about being useful.

    I think about leaving people better than I found them.

    That is why he inspires me.

    Not because he changed the world through power.

    But because he changed it through service, one person at a time.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times

  • What is something you wish you could tell your 20-year-old self?

    What is something you wish you could tell your 20-year-old self?

    I would tell him to come home to himself sooner.

    Not home as a place.

    Home as a knowing.

    Home is that quiet room inside you where your own voice still lives before the world teaches you to mistrust it.

    I would tell my 20-year-old self to stop spending so much of his life auditioning for people who were never going to choose him, honestly. Stop bending yourself into shapes that do not fit your spirit. Stop mistaking acceptance for love. Stop confusing attention with belonging.

    Because there is a difference.

    And learning that difference can cost you years.

    At twenty, you think being liked will save you.

    You think if you become easier, funnier, quieter, louder, more agreeable, more useful, more available, more whatever the room seems to require, then maybe people will keep you around. Maybe they will see you. Maybe they will decide you are worth knowing.

    But some people do not dislike you for failing to become enough.

    Some people were never interested in getting to know you at all.

    They were interested in what you could provide.

    Your time.

    Your loyalty.

    Your attention.

    Your silence.

    Your willingness to shrink yourself so they would not have to make room.

    That is a hard lesson.

    But it is a freeing one.

    I would tell him this: do not waste your best years trying to become acceptable to people who benefit from you not knowing your worth.

    Spend that time discovering who you are.

    Not who you perform.

    Not who you pretend to be when you are afraid of being left out.

    Not who you become when loneliness starts negotiating against your dignity.

    Who you are.

    What you love.

    What you believe.

    What brings you peace?

    What kind of man do you want to become when no one is clapping?

    What kind of life feels honest when nobody is watching?

    I would tell him that solitude is not always punishment. Sometimes it is protection. Sometimes being alone is the first place where you can finally hear yourself without all the borrowed voices talking over you.

    There is grief in realizing how much time you gave away.

    Time you could have used to grow.

    To read.

    To think.

    To build.

    To heal.

    To understand your own mind.

    To become comfortable in your own skin.

    To stop asking strangers, friends, lovers, and crowds for permission to exist.

    But I would not speak to him cruelly.

    He was doing the best he could with what he knew.

    He wanted a connection.

    He wanted to matter.

    He wanted to be loved in a world that often teaches people to earn what should have been given freely.

    So I would not shame him for trying.

    I recommend telling him to try differently.

    Try choosing yourself.

    Try telling the truth sooner.

    Try leaving when the room keeps requiring your disappearance.

    Try noticing who only loves you when you are convenient.

    Try paying attention to the people who make you feel peaceful rather than desperate.

    Try building a life that does not depend on approval from people who have not even learned to approve of themselves.

    Because one day, you will understand something that a twenty-year-old could not yet know.

    The goal was never to become the kind of person everyone liked.

    The goal was to become someone you could live with.

    Someone you could respect.

    Someone whose reflection did not look like a stranger assembled from other people’s expectations.

    I would tell him that self-discovery is not selfish.

    It is necessary.

    You cannot build a true life out of borrowed pieces. You cannot keep abandoning yourself and call it love. You cannot keep giving your time to people who leave you with less of yourself and expect peace to grow there.

    So I would tell my 20-year-old self:

    Come back to you.

    Earlier.

    Stay with you.

    Longer.

    Learn yourself before trying to be chosen.

    Because the people meant for your life should not require you to disappear before they can accept you.

    And the time you spend becoming yourself is never wasted.

    Kyle J. Hayes

    kylehayesblog.com

    Please like, comment, and share

    Resources for Hard Times

    If you’re looking for practical help, food support, or community resources, you can visit the Salt, Ink & Soul Resources Page.

    👉 Resources for Hard Times